Trust is a funny thing. Relationships are funny things. Values are damn funny things. A thing told me I held the values of a 'loyal rebel'. This is largely true. I have deep disrespect for authority (but this is a whole separate issue with it's own subrules in my mind), a standoffish but kind attitude to strangers, and a fierce loyalty and protection and love for my friends. Not just my friends, my people. Those that are encircled with me. It is not the same as trust, or not exactly the same. Some I trust more than others, and some I trust with different levels of things. But I feel fiercely for them. You do not want to fuck around with this. These people are defended. If something threatens them or seems to, I immediately propell myself into defense. I can sense myself doing this, and the rational part of me always examines the situation logically--it is not that bad; realistically it is probably nothing major; you will be fine; you'll be fine. The fierce part of me, however: PROBLEMS, BACK THE FUCK AWAY FROM THIS ONE. THIS ONE IS TAKEN CARE OF. THIS ONE IS DEFENDED. DO NOT FUCK WITH THIS. The tricky part is balancing these two things, these two impulses--how to convey information effectively from the logical part without unecessarily complicating the situation with the fierce part.

It is difficult when things happen.

When a thing happens, there is a slow start, a rapid escalation, and a rushing, powerful mobilization. First: what the fuck. What is going on here. The natural human idea that somehow, someone must be playing a mean prank. Or, oh no, is it supernatural? Science fiction? What the fuck? A million crazy ideas running through the brain. Then simultaneously, a stronger, but more worried voice rapidly ascends the podium: stop fucking around. This is real. This is real oh my god this is real. This all depends on the length of the thing, but as it continues, this second voice evaluates things very quickly. Holy fuck, it exclaims, is this happening? Am I actually going to have to do something? As the seconds turn over, this smoothly transitions into a third, powerful, effective and worried voice--the fiercely loyal voice. This one gets shit done. It is very, very scared, but knows that it cannot be scared, just worried. Very quickly, it runs through the list of things that have to be done. It assesses each bit of each second, each continuation of this so unwanted event. Still partially in denial, but rational enough to know that something needs to be done, it despairs only on the surface, and gathers it's arsenal. Should the thing continue to the critical point, decisive action will be taken, and this one will be defended.

The actual thing: oh my god. what is happening. oh god! no, this isn't real, is it? shit shit shit ok keep it under control, keep the whole thing under control. act fast. keep it discreet. keep it effective. mental list--this is happening, it could mean this, if any thing else happens, this is how I'll deal with it. imagine what could happen next; plan for this. get ready. there's a rapid escalation of 'oh fuck oh what the fuck is this really happening', followed by an even faster descent, a denumont, into getshitdone mode. and there is no denying that I am scared, i am scared but not out of my mind. maybe i am not scared, i shouldn't be scared--worried is it. i am worried. worry brings up images of hand-wringing old ladies, but this is much more. this is real fucking WORRY. coiling, getting ready for action, panicking panicking panicking--oh thank god. oh thankgodthankgodthankyougod. bad crisis temporarily averted. praise heavens. now, do not let go, but fix this. aggressively, rapidly and with all your consciousness pay attention. watch out for this one. cover the bases, gather up everything that could be relevant. make sure they are ok. take care of them. (god i can't believe it i was so worried pleasegod let this be ok). please God, let this be ok.

i was so scared.

everything will be ok.

Everything is ok, there is absolutely nothing to worry about.