Today went. I felt just not great from the start, and it only went down hill from there. Class was alright. I feel distressed when people mention foreigners, people from other countries, immigrants. I am foregin. I am an immigrant. I suppose I'm a naturalized citizen, but what the fuck should that mean to me? I wasn't born here. I never invested in this country. I know I used to think of it in a wanting way, but I didn't know what it was like. No, that is a stupid thing to say. I've always had problems with wanting something else only when I'm disgruntled with what I have. The grass is always greener, and all that nonsense. I don't know why. I wish I didn't, but I really wouldn't change that or myself. But that's beside the point. When people talk of those who came to this country, when they generalize and talk about people who grew up somewhere else, and when that thing that they are saying is bad towards the foreigner, I want to jump up and point out that, hey, I'm that! That's me! I'm not from here! I'm not from here! I want to go home! I don't care about this country; that isn't true, but in my heart I am not invested here. I am not given, heart and soul, to this country. I was not born here. Whatever tie I have to this country is through my mother, who was born here, but even that tie does not run deep. Those roots are superficial. My maternal grandma was not born here. My maternal grandpa was not born here. My mom lived here for a while, she was from here, and then went somewhere else and became enamoured with that place. She is a miraculous, rare person who is able to totally open their lives to another place and adopt it. She didn't think she'd be staying there. No one did. It was temporary. Years later, it was still temporary, and then I happened, and it wasn't temporary. I grew up there. I was born there. I am there. I am from it, part of it, with it, for it, always there. By a technicality, and by my mother being a wordly person, a rare person open to more experiences and everything and life, I became of two worlds.

And this is always my life. Two countries: one I am, and one I am at right now, and I have to be truthful--after all this time I cannot see myself choosing one over the other in an exclusive fashion. I woudln't want to be 100% one (although I could, if I chose the one that is me), but rather 70% one and 30% the other, or something. Damn it all, I am always divided. Two countries, two schools, two towns, two enviroments. Forever contradicting myself. My schooling, growing up: I started with the common kids, with my peers, with the kids from my neighborhood--I moved on to the upperclass, the fancy, the posh school, where they talked fancy. I got teased by the kids in my neighborhood. They teased me about how I said words. I talked like the queen. A dramatic way to think would be that I didn't belong anywhere, but I don't buy into that. I belong everywhere. And later in life, again, two schools. Living in one town, attending the elitist scholarly school in another. Not living in one town, but schooling there; living in another but not being part of it. Kids would ask me where I had moved to, I would say nowhere, I just changed schools. Do I think I'm better than everyone else? No. Do you think I'm better than you? Then I am, becaue you are putting yourself down, and I am not.

Two parents, as well. It continues! Contradiction! None of the legality of divorce, but all (and more) of the trouble. Two parents, never really to go back to how it used to be (and would anyone really want that, anyway?), but forever to remain seperate. So now I'm again divided between two things. Two places, and I am spreading myself thin. I have to learn to just be at home wherever my body is. That way I'm always belonging. For some reason, I am always the different occasion. Asked if my parents visit me, I just count my mom. Because, my dad lives here. I can't count that as visits, because he lives here. And then, I think, even if he does visit me often, that is different from other parents visiting. It is different because they have been with thier child for all their lives. They have seen them often. Most have always lived together, and most, if they didn't live together, have at least seen eachother often. I don't know. I suppose this isn't that different. A friend of mine doesn't see her dad often, and didn't grow up with him, I don't think. She doesn't count him in her thinking. This is different, I feel. I love my parents. I love them so strongly. It was made all the more difficult, having a parent leave and go to another country. And then after totally being dislocated, having it happen again. It was just hard, is all.

I am contradictions. I am really smart. I have to just state this. I don't understand how people communicate; how to get the point accross that I am, in fact, pretty damn smart, but not put people off. How do I come accross as not conceited? I always downplay it, and end up being percieved as dumb and ditzy. I don't like denying statements about myself. How did I do on that test? I did really well. You did so well on that thing! Why, yes, I did! I know! You're good at that. I know! You're pretty. I know! I am! We should just accept what we are. A positive attitude is everything. Telling youself what you want to hear can pay off, and in a good way. Tell yourself you are good. You are smart, you are impressive, you are confident, you are so good looking. And just like that, it is true. Good work! Thank you, I know.

I want everything. I am quiet, but loud. I am smart, but so dumb sometimes. I am damn fine, but can have bad moments. I am happy, but have bad days. I love punk, I love classical, I love dirty gritty real loud smoky music life, and I love smart classy clean things. Sometimes. I love being street, I love being upscale, I love being alive, really.

Dylan Thomas said it best. (Did I mention I love words?) This whole thing has been a rambling attempt at putting me back in my place today. I felt slightly out of whack. I feel better now. Back to work.